The Little Red Riders Book
NIGEL:…look this, this miniature bread. It’s like…I’ve been working with this now for about half an hour. I can’t figure it out…let’s say I want a bite, right, you’ve got like this…
IAN: You’d like bigger bread?
NIGEL: Exactly!
(This Is Spinal Tap, 1984)
I recently came across a book called The Little Red Riders Book, which is a compilation of notable band’s and artist’s riders from the past fifty years. For those unaware of what a “rider” is, a rider is a list of backstage requests from bands that is sent to every venue they perform at (The Bloodhound Gang’s rider is prefaced with a quote from the band: “Remember, a satisfied band means a satisfied audience.”). According to Steve Lamacq, who wrote the foreword to The Little Red Riders Book, a rider is “primarily chosen on the basis of three different things. One is pure largesse, the ego-driven diva style demands of the post-Spinal Tap generation. Another is based on the evil sense of humor (‘Where are they going to get Heinz baked beans in the middle of Texas?’). The third is straightforward practicality. Even at their Britpop height, the obviously hygiene-conscious Blur used to ask for four pairs of clean socks – not to mention four postcards from the city they were playing in. Who they were writing to I have no idea. Maybe they just needed to know where they were” (Lamacq).
The Little Red Riders Book contains highlights from all three separate categories that Lamacq cited: the ego-driven, the humorous, and the sensible. The following is a list of my personal favorite requests from the book:
MOTLEY CRUE
Kraft Mayonnaise
Grey Poupon Dijon Mustard
Skippy Creamy Peanut Butter
12-foot long boa constrictor
Submachine Gun
Local AA Meeting Schedules
KEITH RICHARDS
Guitar Straps
Chicken Sandwiches
Diet Coke
Cigarettes
Norah Jones
PRINCE
A Physician
All food must be covered in clear plastic wrap
JAMES BROWN
2 girls under the age of 21
Hood Hair Dryer
SAMMY DAVIS, JR.
An assortment of groovy chicks
AL JOLSON
A plaque on the dressing room door that reads: “AL JOLSON – World’s Greatest Entertainer.”
JANET JACKSON
Male catering staff
THE BEATLES
Coca-Cola
An ice cooler
Portable TV Set
Mirrors
Clean Towels
JENNIFER LOPEZ
White flowers
White tablecloths
White drapes
White candles
White couches
Coffee to be stirred counter-clockwise
Skittles
LIBERACE
132 Candles
22 Candelabras (24 carat gold)
Cape Rack
2 assistants (preferably boys between the ages of 15-19 of Filipino descent)
BUSTA RHYMES
24-piece bucket of KFC
2 boxes of Rough Rider condoms
FLEETWOOD MAC
3 bottles of Dom Perignon
1 bottles of Chateau-neuf Du Pape claret
Pimm’s No.1
Chivas Regal Scotch
Jose Cuervo tequila
Bombay Gin
ELVIS PRESELEY
Pot roast with gravy
Mashed potatoes with gravy
Corn bread with gravy
36 chocolate donuts
OASIS
Lots of Guinness
Lots of beer
Lots of red wine
Lots of vodka
Lots of whiskey
Doritos and dip
An actual document of the decadence of rock ‘n roll, the rider continues to enthrall the public and frustrate venue staffs. The following document is a recent rider obtained from Lady Gaga’s dressing room.
E.
